


55 Ways to Say 'I Love You'

by Octoberbaby000



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Caring Sherlock, Lots of Angst, M/M, Pick's disease, Please Don't Hate Me, Sick John, Sickfic, kind of, pick's, very sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-09 10:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4344359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Octoberbaby000/pseuds/Octoberbaby000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock never expected this to happen to John. If he did he would have told him he loved him a long time ago. Now he has to keep telling him because John never remembers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the feels :/

I should have told him a long time ago. I was just afraid. If I knew that within the next year John would be diagnosed with Pick's disease I would have told him so much sooner. I would have told him that I loved him.

See the problem is, if I were to tell him now he would forget within that same day most likely. I couldn't let that happen. It would be heart breaking but I thought maybe if I told him and he told me off. Explained he was straight everything would be happy again. I could just let it go and he would forget I ever said anything. I know it seems just as bad that way but I don't see it like that. If he did love me it would be like two halves of a whole, that love each other being separated by an unbreakable wall. So it would be easier if he was disgusted by me...

Of course that didn't happen...

I guess I better take you back to the beginning...

+++

"John... " I sat by his side at the doctor's office at Bart's. "It could be any number of things... we should prepare just in case." He smiled that perfect John smile I love. "Relax. I'm a doctor, I know the ropes. I've probably just started to develop a speech impediment of some sort." He said this confidently but I could tell he was just as nervous as I was.

He'd been having odd brain freezes for a while now, and now he was slacking in the vocabulary area. We'd finally decided it would be smart to visit a doctor just to be sure. Of course I had refused to stay home. I was worried... and I'd be lost without my blogger... without my doctor. 

As it turned out we were right to go to the doctor's.

+++

Sara Sawyer, John's boss from what I remember sat with us holding a paper, with an ex Ray on top. It felt like a dream to me. It all felt like a dream. A bad dream.

"You know what happens already John?" He nods quietly. "And the symptoms?" Another nod. 

"I don't." I finally spoke up. Getting passed the shock. 

"Excuse me?" She asked.

"I don't know a lot about this disease."

"Well I-" she started again.

"I'll need to know everything if John is to continue living with me."

"Sherlock, I don't know if that's the best idea. Patients with Pick's can become extremely difficult to-" 

"I don't care."

She sighed. Pity held in the way she let out her breath. "That's up to John."

We both looked over. He'd been awfully quiet. He never met either of our eyes. He was busy staring at his hands. After a long angst filled silence he spoke "I want to live with him... I trust him" I smiled. "There you have it. Now what can you tell me before I take a trip to the library?"

She pulled me out of the room. In the hall she began, "Pick's is extremely close in relation to Alzheimer's disease, same memory loss, same physical difficulties but there's some differences in symptoms."

I began pacing while she talked. "But the main difference is that his brain cells are slowly shrinking instead of-" "he's to young." "I'm sorry?" "You told us the average age criteria to get this 'Pick's' disease. Isn't he a bit young." "Yes. Just a bit, but it's been known to range from the age of twenty to the age of sixty..."

Sara told me all I could before I decided it was best to not leave John alone in that room for any longer. When I came back in I could have sworn he hadn't moved an inch. 

"John...." he looked up at me. He seemed distant, as if he'd been sorting this whole matter out on a different planet. "Let's go home John." He simply nodded and stood, walking past me out the door. 

Once we were outside and I had hailed a cab he finally spoke. "You don't have to stick with me you know... I mean once it gets harder...... I'll only slow you down." "I'm not going anywhere John. Besides, eventually you'll need someone to pay the medical bills." "I won't let you do that!" I chuckled dryly. "Oh John... you never knew how much money I have do you." ...Mycroft... for once I can be thankful he treats me like a charity case. John is silent even when we get in the cab.

He stares out the window as soon as we begin moving. After a while of driving he goes back to starring at his hands, and I can tell he's been crying. "John....it... it'll be alright." I was never good at this kind of thing.   
He looks up at me with those big sad eyes and I can tell I should hug him, comfort him, and I want to. I want to kiss him, whisper soothing things to him telling him it's all okay. But some how I can't. 

"I'm scared... Sherlock I'm scared...." he says. It takes a lot but I take his hand, and I squeeze it, knowing he needs someone to, and I reassure him telling him that everything would be fine... I should have told him I loved him. But I didn't...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is good... but only for a moment.

[Pg 14]  
·In early stages, patient tends to become restless.  
·Also one of first sighs will be the frustrating loss of vocabulary. 

\--------

The next few days everything was as normal, I even got the feeling John was avoiding even acknowledging what was happening inside his head. 

But a few days later I woke to the sound of someone walking around in the flat. Most likely pacing going by the pattern and only brief stops. And so I got out of bed to go investigate. 

"John? " I questioned, finding him pacing the flat. He never looked up at me just continued pacing and what appeared to be thinking deeply. I came up to him and grabbed his wrist. "John." I said firmly. "Come sit down." "I don't......" He trailed off "don't?" I questioned. "...........want to." "Why not?" "I'm.............." Oh dear it was getting worse. "....thinking" 

I pulled him over the couch to sit down anyways. "You should rest John." I told him. He seemed troubled "It's getting worse... isn't it..." I could only nod. I didn't want to, but it was true. 

He began to fiddle his hands in his lap. "Right now... while I still have the will to remember things... Can I ask you a favor?" "Of course." I said. "Anything." "I want two things."

"Okay and what would those be?" 

"Well one, Next time you find a case I want to be with you every second of it."

"Of course." I smiled. Confused however; out of all things why would John choose this? "And what's the other thing?"

"I want to go out. Tonight. But I want you to chose what we do."

"Me? Why?"

"Because then I can be surprised." 

"You mean like... a date."

"If you want to call it that sure... A date doesn't have to be romantic." He explained quickly. 

"I'm aware... a date is where two people go out and have fun."

"I told you that."

"Good you're still remembering things...."

###

"Come on John!" I called through his bedroom door. He emerged a few minutes later. "John," I said. "Yes?" He answered. "You dress at the pace of a twenty year old girl." I got punched in the shoulder for that.

One the way there in the taxi John was silent. Probably gathering thoughts, maybe he was just trying to take in the sight of London while he could. 

The taxi stopped and I dragged him out of the car. We were at a park. Just a plain old park. "What are we doing?" He asked. "I can hear the worry in your voice John but I reassure you I'm not completely incapable of leaving my circle of experimentation and case solving behind for a night." He only chucked and said back, "yeah you are." 

"Come along John it's only up this hill." I pointed to the hill we were to climb. I hooked my arm in his, pulling him along. He seemed startled. "Sherlock what are you doing?"

"You can't walk up the hill by yourself it's staining."

"I'm fine Sherlock."

"I really don't care John." 

Once to the top I pointed at a blanket I had set out. "PicNic." I explained. "Perfect!" He said. Well that was a good sign. "Really?" I asked. "Yes we can look at the stars." 

"I have food as well." I pulled over the picnic basket set off to the side. "Great. Let's eat then." He said. "Let's." I agreed even though I didn't plan on eating much. 

"Thank you for this." He said. "It was the least I could conjure." 

I made us both a plate of food. We talked. And laughed. It would probably now be one of my fondest memories of John. When we finished and put everything back in the basket John laid out on his back and stared out at the stares. So of course I laid on my and watched him. 

It was the time to do it. It was really the time to say something. John's memory was In tact and the mood was even perfect. 

"John." I finally forced out. "Yeah?" He continued to stare up at the sky. "I need to tell you something." He sighed "what did you break?" He asked. "It's... it's not that..." I said. "Just please don't laugh." "I won't I swear. Just tell me." He had turned to me looking concerned. That just made it harder. 

I couldn't say it. It seemed impossible. Stuck in my throat. "John... after getting to know you... and live with you... I decided I need to express my feelings of love and compassion that I hold for you..." He just starred at me. "What are you trying to say?" He asked. "And use English this time." 

"I love you."

Three simple words, flying about in the air. John simply just stared. And then something I never expected happened. He crawled close to me, so our faces were close, and whispered "I thought you were married to your work." 

"I changed my mind."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared..."

Everything went quiet. 

And then he leaned in and kisses me. And ran his hands through my hair and I was pretty sure I was dreaming. 

I pulled him into my lap and kissed him back. He tasted like the watermelon we had for dinner. I opened my mouth and soon our tongues were tangled together. 

Finally we pulled away to breath and he whispered "I love you too." Hearing him say that sparked something in me. They were beautiful words rolling off beautiful lips. 

John was still out of breath so of course I did the next best thing and began to kiss his neck. That perfect neck I always dreamt of covering in marks of my own. I kissed and nipped everywhere I could causing little sounds and gasps from the mouth above me. I finally stopped to look him in the eye. 

My favorite thing I saw were his perfectly blown out pupils that guaranteed what he said was true. I kissed him one more time. And broke away what seemed far to soon.

"You need to get to bed." I explained "I don't want to 'get to bed.' I want to stay up, I want to be with you." He said. I thought for a long time but finally agreed. "Let's at least go back to the flat." 

I packed up the blanket and the picnic basket. On the way back down from the hill he grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. I squeezed tightly knowing it was what I'd always wanted and now I had it. 

Back at our flat I sat down quietly on the couch only to be greeted by John who crawled over me and began to kiss me again. I smiled and kissed back. He straddles my hips and dips his head to kiss up my neck. He's perfect. Wonderful. Those are the only words I can think of to describe him 

Perfect

Gorgeous

Wonderful

Fantastic

Beautiful

Endearing

Amazing

I didn't exactly know I'd muttered all those words out loud until I heard John giggling. My face burned. But he continued to kiss me with his perfect lips. 

Once again his lips met mine and we began to kiss again. This time it was different, I felt John trying to devour my lips in a hungry kind of way, making me moan softly. His hands were everywhere. On my hips, up my sides, tangled in my hair. 

When he began squirming I could tell what John wanted and the thought both frightened and excited me. I never thought I could have the desire to have sex with anyone until John came along. 

This position wouldn't do. No. I wrapped my legs around his back and flipped us to I was hovering over him. I ran my tongue along the roof of his mouth making him moan softly. I took his arms and pinned his wrists above his head with one arm.

I began to kiss his neck again and found a little sweet spot right beneath his chin. I began to suck there gently and he let out a small strangled whine. I smirked and sucked hard until it left a small mark. He whimpered and squirmed while I did so. "I want people knowing you're mine." I whispered. He shuddered.

I let go of his wrists and kissed the back of both of his hands. "Let's go to my room." I mumbled in his ear. He nodded quickly. 

I stood up from the couch and held out my hand to him. He took it and I dragged him off to my bedroom shutting and locking the door behind us.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What happened, where am I?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short I'll try to make them longer.

(Pg. 17)  
·Eventually at some point patient starts to lose their memory

The next morning I woke to someone snuggling into my arms. Since this was an odd feeling I was startled monetarily. Then I remembered that everything I could have ever hoped for had happened to me the previous night. 

I laid there awake for a while listening to John's even breathing while waiting for him to wake up. 

Not long after, he began to stir. I smiled. 

"Morning love." John opened his eyes looking around confused. His face went bright red. 

"John? Are you alright?"

He sat up looking scared. "Where am I what's happened?!" Now I was confused... and then the realization hit me. 

"You don't remember."

"R-remember what?" 

The awkward part was having to explain to him what had happened and why we were together like this.

When I had finished, John looked sick. "I...I missed it?" His voice was filled with heart break. "Nonono yo just can't remember now..." he stared off past me. "I'm so sorry John..." he smiles slightly. "I thought you were married to your work." I chuckled "That's what you said last night." Apparently that was not the best thing to say right now. His smile immediately turned back to a frown and he buried his face in my chest.

We sat like that quietly for the next couple minutes while I stroked his hair. Finally he said, "Will you kiss me? I feel as if I never got the chance." 

Without speaking i leaned down pulling our lips together and kissed him hoping that at least this wouldn't be forgotten.


End file.
